How to Give Employee Feedback Without Making People Defensive

"Can I give you some feedback?"

Did your stomach tighten just a tiny bit reading that? It's kind of funny when you think about it. We say we want feedback. We tell employees that feedback is important and that leaders need to give more of it. But when someone says, "Can I give you some feedback?" our immediate reaction is often: Oh no. What did I do?

I've had an interesting relationship with feedback throughout my career because I've worked in environments where there is A LOT of it. Years ago, I worked at the University of Phoenix, and we had a culture of feedback. And when I say feedback, I mean feedback. I got it constantly. Feedback about how I handled conversations, how I approached situations, what I was doing well, and what I could do differently. My phone calls were recorded and evaluated. You name it, someone probably gave me feedback about it. Literally daily.

Was all of it fun to hear? Absolutely not. Was all of it valuable? Also no. But something interesting happened when feedback became part of the culture rather than only happening when I screwed up. I stopped automatically associating feedback with failure. I started associating it with growth.

And I still live in a world of constant feedback. I'm a professor. Every single class, every single semester, my students evaluate my courses and my teaching. I teach around seven classes a semester. You do the math. 😂 That's a LOT of people telling me how I'm doing.

Some of that feedback feels fantastic. Some of it makes me think. Some of it stings (especially because I try hard and work hard). And occasionally I read something and think, Well...I don't know what we're going to do with THAT. But I read it because buried inside all that feedback are things I need to hear.

And I think that's where organizations sometimes get feedback wrong.

Maybe the problem starts before the feedback conversation

We spend a lot of time teaching managers how to give feedback, and we should. But we also need to consider the surrounding culture. If the only time your manager says, "Can I give you some feedback?" is when you've done something wrong, your brain learns pretty quickly that feedback = bad.

Of course, people become defensive.

But what if feedback is normal? What if employees regularly hear, "That worked well," "Here's something I noticed," or "Have you thought about trying it this way?" Now, feedback isn't an event. It's part of working together.

That doesn't mean difficult feedback suddenly feels wonderful. Sometimes feedback is hard to hear. But when you associate feedback with growth instead of punishment, you can start doing something valuable: lean into it.

Not blindly. Not every piece of feedback deserves equal weight. But when there's something useful there, lean in.

1. Give feedback before you're frustrated

Something bothers us. We let it go. It happens again. We let it go again. By the time we finally say something, we're no longer responding to what happened Tuesday. We're responding to Tuesday plus the six other Tuesdays we've quietly collected.

Now the conversation has WAY more emotional weight than it needed. Small conversations early are usually easier than big conversations later. Frequent, smaller feedback also helps normalize it. Feedback stops being the scary thing that happens behind a closed door twice a year.

2. Talk about what happened, not who the person is

There is a huge difference between "You are unreliable" and "The report was due Monday, and I didn't receive it until Wednesday." One is about someone's identity. The other is about behavior.

Tell someone they're unreliable, and what are they going to do? Probably tell you all the reasons they're NOT unreliable. Now you're arguing about whether they're a reliable human being instead of talking about the report.

Stay close to what you can observe. What happened? What was the impact? What needs to happen differently?

3. Explain why it matters

Don't just tell people what you want them to do differently. Tell them why.

"Please get these reports to me by Monday." Okay. Why? Maybe someone else needs the information on Tuesday. Maybe a late report delays an entire project. Maybe it affects a client.

People are more likely to understand feedback when they can see how their behavior connects to something larger. Don't assume the other person can see the entire chain of events happening in your head.

4. Get curious before you get certain (my personal favorite)

Humans are AMAZING storytellers. Someone misses a deadline, and we decide they don't care. Someone interrupts us and doesn't respect us. Someone doesn't respond to an email, and obviously, they're avoiding us.

Maybe.

But maybe not.

Before walking into a feedback conversation completely convinced that you understand someone's intentions, ask. "What happened?" "Help me understand what got in the way." "I've noticed this a couple of times. What's going on?"

Curiosity doesn't mean abandoning accountability. You can understand someone's perspective and still say something needs to change. But sometimes the information you learn completely changes the conversation you need to have.

5. Please retire the feedback sandwich (or some call it the "poop" sandwich... yikes)

You know this one. Positive, negative, positive.

"I love having you on the team! Your reports have been late for three weeks. But you're doing SUCH a great job!"

What exactly is the employee supposed to do with that?

We usually use the feedback sandwich because we're uncomfortable giving feedback. So we soften it. Then soften it some more. Sometimes we soften it until the person leaves, thinking they're doing great, while we wonder how they could have missed the message.

You can be kind and direct at the same time. Those things are not opposites.

6. Give people room to respond

Feedback shouldn't be a monologue. Tell the person what you're seeing, then ask, "How are you seeing this?" "What am I missing?" or "What are your thoughts?"

Then listen. And I mean listen, not quietly wait for your turn to explain why they're wrong.

You may still disagree. You may still hold the exact same expectation when the conversation ends. But if we want people to lean into feedback, they need to participate in the conversation.

7. Make the next step VERY clear

This is where feedback conversations sometimes fall apart. We explain what went wrong, talk about the situation, everyone nods, and then the employee leaves without knowing what they're supposed to do differently.

"Going forward, I need the report by noon every Monday" is useful. "Work on your communication" isn't.

"Let Sarah finish her thought before responding in the next team meeting" is useful. "Be more professional" isn't.

Before the conversation ends, both people should be able to answer one question: What happens next?

And if you're the person receiving the feedback...

Lean in.

I know. Easier said than done. I have read enough course evaluations in my career to know feedback can sting. Your first reaction may be, "That's not fair," "They don't understand," or "That's not what happened." And sometimes you may be right.

But I've learned to give myself a minute before deciding that feedback has nothing to teach me. I ask myself: Is there anything useful here?

Maybe 90% doesn't fit. What about the other 10%? Is there a pattern? Have I heard this before? Is there something I could try differently?

You don't have to agree with every piece of feedback you receive to learn from feedback.

Build a culture where feedback isn't scary

If you want employees to receive feedback better, don't wait until something goes wrong to start giving it.

Make feedback normal. Give it when things go well. Give it when something could improve. Ask employees for feedback too. Let people see that feedback isn't punishment. It's information we can use to get better.

That's what I learned working in a culture where feedback happened every day, and it's something being a professor continues to remind me of every single semester.

Seven classes at a time.

Every. Single. Semester. 😂

At Peak Speak, I work with leaders and teams on feedback, difficult conversations, conflict, listening, and the communication skills we need when work gets messy. Because feedback shouldn't be something people fear. Done well, it should help people grow.