Why “I Feel” Is Harder Than It Sounds

This morning started like most: kids up, hungry, ready to eat. My daughter went straight to the kitchen and decided to make a smoothie. My younger son, thrilled at the idea, shouted, “Yes, please!” A few minutes later, I heard the familiar sound of blender chaos, followed by the calm clink of glasses. Then came the crash of emotions, not glass.

She’d added pineapple because it was what we had on hand. My son doesn’t like pineapple. He took one sip, frowned, and said, “I won’t drink this now.” My daughter looked at him and fired back, “You’re so ungrateful.” He went into the playroom, eyes watery, and said quietly, “That really hurt my feelings.”

I sat with him for a moment. “Yeah,” I said. “That would hurt.” Then I went back to her. We discussed what she said and why it hurt. I explained that when we use “you” statements, like “you’re so ungrateful," we make moral judgments about someone’s character. It’s labeling, not describing. It shuts the door to understanding.

“I” statements, on the other hand, open it. They sound like:

“I felt frustrated when you didn’t drink the smoothie I made.”Textbooks teach us that 'I' statements have five parts, but for the purposes of this blog, we can simplify them to three parts: what you feel, what happened, and why it matters. For example, 'I feel underappreciated. When the dishes are left in the sink after I've cooked for the family and worked all day, it feels like I'm carrying all the household work. It’s not magic, it won’t make people instantly kind, but it does lower defenses and keep the focus on understanding instead of blame.”

It’s a shift from blame to ownership. From attack to expression. Simple, right? But teaching it to a 9-year-old made me realize how counterintuitive it is.

Even adults struggle with this. “You never listen.” “You don't help around the house.” Those come out far easier than “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted” or “I feel like I'm managing the household." Why? Because “you” statements protect us. They give us power when we feel hurt or unseen. “I” statements require vulnerability. They ask us to own our feelings instead of outsourcing them.

It’s hard work, even for those of us who teach communication every day. But it’s the kind of hard that’s worth doing, especially over breakfast smoothies.